List of Loves

In this world of stress and pressure, whether it be getting into the school of your choice, working a demanding job or maybe you're facing a hard spot in a relationship, it's easy to get caught up in the woes and follies of life.  SO in an effort to combat said distress, I'm going to start an ongoing list of all the things that I love and am grateful for :) Then I'm going to try to find one new thing to add everyday for the next 30 days! I dare anyone to try along with me!!

OKAY!

Finding a renewed sense of hope, Helping someone with something and having them really appreciate it, Red Lipstick, Candle Lite Bubble Baths, Upright Pianos, Smiles, Freckles, Old Couples Holding hands, kisses, when a friend winks at me in a group conversation, being on the inside of an inside joke, riding a bike really really fast, kindness, instant friendships, when the internet works fast, playing bike tag in the summertime through the city, going to concerts, summer rain, going on car rides through the canyon listening to The Might Rio Grande, eating shaved ice when it's hot, drinking hot chocolate when it's cold, when someone makes me dinner and remembers that I'm vegan, eating all the toast with coconut oil, eating all the popcorn with coconut oil, pretty much anything with coconut oil on it, when I have a real 'lol' moment, going to lunch with my friends, going on runs with a friend, when I remember a funny joke from earlier and it still makes me laugh and smile, hammock camping, bonfires, stargazing on a really clear night, doing cartwheels, rereading Harry Potter for the billionth time, reading a new book and falling in love with the characters, writing in my journal, when the workout is over, rock climbing, Listening to Otis Redding on vinyl, really listening to anything on vinyl, John Denver, the Utah mountains, pretty dishes, when the Batista does foam art in my latte or hot chocolate, sandwiches, feeling confident in a new outfit, putting on a new pair of socks,  getting in to bed after a really long day, clean sheets, freshly squeezed orange juice,  medjool dates with almond butter, when my eyeliner and eyebrows match, eating oatmeal, when my friends succeed at what they love, when I realize that I no longer am harboring anger towards someone, David Bowie, dancing in public, spontaneous road trips, watching a movie that makes me feel like I can accomplish my dreams, SLC Punk, going to punk shows, TEDtalks on love and happiness, when I'm having a good hair day, 

Late Night Journal Entry: Happiness...?

Today has been the best day I've had in months.

It was so simple.

Cory and I rode the Front Runner down to Provo, ate lunch, rode it back to SLC and then walked around City Creek. I exchanged my glasses at Lens Crafters and then we came home.

Thats it :)

I felt more alive than I have felt in months. I felt as if I could be myself for a change. I was able to talk openly about what ever was on my mind. I was able to say yes and no with confidence. That no one was judging me or looking down on me for wanting or not wanting certain things in my life, including myself. That I didn't have to pretend or put on a show! That I was okay.

Last night I came to a decision about myself. I was able to talke to my grandparents yesterday for about and hour and a half...and they were able to put a lot of things in perspective for me..They gave me a very large paradigm shift.
And after much self reflection, I realized that I needed to be more kind to those that are the closest to me.
I have a really, really bad habit of impatience. And with that anxiety, depression and anger which leads me to do and say some pretty hurtful things.

I have come to realize that these habits are very real and I have allowed them to become apart of me. But just as I have allowed them in, I can CHOOSE to let them go.

I do not want them plaguing my life anymore. However I don't view the way to go about it is by saying "I need to stop" or "I need to cut these things out". Rather, I feel if I can start practicing kindness, patience, forgiveness and love...The hurt, pain, anger and hatred will naturally find an exit out of my life.

And I feel the BEST way to start is to find happiness.
I need to be happy!!
When you're happy it's SO much easier to be kind and loving and understanding.

SO! I have decided today, February 26th 2013 is my DAY ONE of My Journey to Happiness.

I decided that I am going to start doing WHAT EVER it takes to find happiness. I am so sick of hating myself...of crying myself to sleep..of being afraid!! The fear in my life has become crippling. I am so sick of not having friends because I am so afraid of being rejected and abandoned...
I am 20 years old..... and I deserve to start enjoying my life. I deserve to wake up with a smile on my face and to go to bed at night content with who I am and what I am doing!

I don't really know exactly what I'm going to do, but I know I need a plan.

I am someone that needs structure. I thrive off it. I need a plan. I'm a list maker.

GET ORGANIZED
I recently moved in with my boyfriend, Cory, and space is veeeerrrrrrry limited...to say the least. But I know that getting organized and settled will put me in a better position to make this journey possible.

MAKE A HAPPINESS WALL/JOURNAL
I need to start figuring out what exactly makes me happy. What makes me feel satisfied. What makes me feel most pretty,  makes me laugh, makes me come alive. I need pictures and activities that I can look at and do everyday for myself. And on top of that I feel as though I need to record and keep track of my progress and my set backs.

I feel for the first time in my life I have to ability to become exactly who I want to be... I for the first time can define who Jessica Hildebrandt truly is. I have finally realized that I have people that love me and want to see me succeed. I have no more excuses left. I can not change the cards I have been dealt in life..but I can control what I do with them. I can not allow my past and hurt to keep me trapped.... I have to live for myself.

I want happiness...I want to love... to forgive....to move on.

I want freedom.

Late Night Journal Entry: Thoughts From a Restless Mind

Life caught in pictures looks so wonderful…so happy…

I wish life was as pleasant looking as the pictures I take…still…quiet…always smiles…no tears to be shed..no cry to cry..everything is so much more colorful..so much more pretty…there is nothing that is ugly or wrong..only the moments that are worth remembering..

If there is a God, why must life come with so much heart ache?? And if there isn't a God, why must we carry around the heart ache in the first place?? Why feel anything at all?? If this is it, why bother with ill feelings. Life begins and then it end…If this is it, then why live for anyone or anything other than yourself?? Why does charity make us happy? Why do we have emotions?? WHY? they make no sense…Why should we have mercy at all?? Wouldn't logic and reason make more sense?? But we do have emotions. We do. And sometimes they are ever more clear and make so much more sense than logic and reason could ever make. Why?

Why do we love?? 

Why?

Whats the point?? 

If the world is so bad and so hurtful, why do we have such delicate emotions that are so easily caused to go out of control?? Would not natural selection or evolution rid us of such things?? "They" say we are the most evolved of the animal kingdom because we have cognitive reasoning, we have the ability to think on a higher level…And with this the ability to feel on a higher level as well. But I disagree…the ability to feel deeper is nothing more than a defect. It sets us back. All it does is hurt us. Hurts me...

 If only I could rid myself of feeling. 

Ahhh…

Tto be numb…Such a state I only dream about. 

Of course there are ways to numb one's self. "self medication". Drugs, alcohol, sex. Addiction. But those also lead to the inability to move forward as a human. Our emotions keep us back and numbing them keeps us even further back. I wish so hard that tomorrow I could wake up and feel nothing. Not pain nor sorrow nor shame. Nothing.

And I have never known happiness so that won't be missed. I just want to be able to live…And I won't if everyday is a battle…a war zone in my mind….in my heart. 

My heart is constantly breaking. Over and over and over again…everything anyone does rebreaks my heart..And then I spend the rest of the day trying my best to repair it..only to have it crushed again and again and again…

I want love. I do. But I believe it's only because I hope just a little love would cancel out a little of the complete and utter self hatred I feel towards myself. Even now as I'm writing this..as Cory lays next to me peacefully asleep. All I can think of is how much I want this to end…I can see beauty all around me.. breath it in…appreciate it..feel it as it swells in my chest,..as it swirls around me…and yet all it does is break my heart a little bit more…I see beauty and it makes me smile…but not a happy smile, no…it makes me want to cry..and I don't know why…maybe I'm just a loon. Maybe I'm permanently messed up. Maybe something went dreadfully wrong in the womb, or while I was growing up…or maybe I was simply made this way and there is no escaping or changing it.

I'm so lost…

so confused…

what's worse? 

being love and poor?

Or being wealthy and miserable??

Instinctly or rather what our culture has taught us, is that love is everything. Love is the cure all. The prize we are all have been fighting for. But I have come to realize that love cures nothing. In fact, it can make your life a living hell.  It's a poison. when we love we open ourselves up to be hurt. And hurt we WILL be. There's no escaping it. It's there clear as a bell, blue as day. It's there weaving it's thorny branches around your heart. 

There.

I've figured it out.

Love is a thorny rose bush. 

There may be some niceties about it. Not being alone. Someone that listens. Is there when you cry. and looks at you with those ever forgiving eyes that seems to bare down to the depths of your soul. But life is not as nice as the pictures I take..There are more memories. Memories I wish I could forget. Yelling, name calling, abandonment, hurt, lust, blood, knives, trains, aunts, snow, the cold…the ever so bitter cold of winter combined with the unimaginable cold of abandonment… complete and utter abandonment. By my family…by God…By everyone that was supposed to love me..gone. In blink of an eye. 

I often replay the events leading up to my parents leaving in my head. Over and over again like a broke record. All I had to do was the dishes…that's all my mom asked me to do..instead I wanted to talk to Chris Solesbee…he was the only one that understood it seemed. And my stomach hurt…it seemed to always hurt. And not the kind of pain that was from eating to much or nothing at all…this was a deep, unforgiving pain that never left.that made me sleep when it was day and cry through the night..the paint that made me only dream of a day that I would laugh and mean it…to lay down int he summer grass and have nothing to worry about…no care in the world. to just lay there with closed eyes and a silly smile on my face…

 I laid down and tried my best to fall asleep….when my mom came down and told me to get upstairs and do the dishes..that everyone was helping. I told her to shut up and that I hated her. 

Then I shut the door and locked it. Slid down the back of it and asked God why i was so horrible..why did I just yell at her?? I didn't want to…I didn't mean it….

I fdid my best to fall back to sleep…waking up to an eerie cold…I was still in my jeans and bra….Why had no one waked me?? It had to be late…and we were leaving to my Grandparents…

I looked at my mom's phone that I had taken without her knowing…there was a text from chris telling me he was on his way to Lake powell…I sat on the ground and texted him back…

Then the knock came….

that knock…then the push, then the "Jessica, open the door"  

I hate this memory more than almost any that I have...

Late Night Journal Entry: Living a life in lists and then drinking it away

Don't live a life in lists.
Stand. Close your eyes and Breath.
Now go and do.
Stop filling notebooks of everything you want to do,
Stop laying in bed and live the life inside your head
Get up and do!
Everything you want you can do.
It's inside of you
inside of us all.
The difference is the will to actually do it.

I'm nearly 20. Where as to some that may seem like a child, I feel as though I have lived a thousand years. I have a million memories, a million dreams. And yet when I truly sit down and ask what it is that I have done, I'm silent.

I have filled notebook after notebook with everything I want to do without doing a single thing! Books left unread, languages never learned, skilled never mastered. Instead I am sucked in to what I feel my generation is most notorious for. Complacency. Selfishness. Laziness. Instant Gratification. No Ambition. No Desire.

Stuck on repeat, trapped in our social media and partying ways. Facebook, Pintrest, Instagram, Blogging, NETFLIX,  Bars, Dancing, "Going out", getting coffee, Girls night, guys night, movie night.

We take any and every possible chance to drink and forget. Christmas? Wine. New Years? Champagne  and lots of it! Halloween? Can't remember. 4th of July? Beer. Oh and then there unlimited amounts of birthday parties, themed parties, generational parties.

So I made a shift in my life. I decided that I was going to stop just living inside my head where it was safe. I was going to stop watching Netflix and stop complaining about what I want and I was going to do. So thats what I did.

I went vegan. I started running and working out. I do yoga. I've lost nearly 20 pounds. I deleted nearly 700 'friends' off my Facebook. I'm learning how to cook. I'm writing music and poetry. I'm learning how to knit and crochet. I'm learning money management. I'm learning how to be a better friend and better girlfriend. I'm practicing living an honest life. I'm meditating. I'm reading. I'm stopping all the comparing I used to do. I'm learning to love who I am. I'm learning.

I decided to live my life for no one but myself.

I recently had an experience with a co-worker of mine. I just started at Tilly's and was still getting to know everyone. He asked me when things were really slow. "what do you do for fun?" I smiled, and told him that I would probably the most boring person he had ever met. "I read, I knit, I play music, I cook, I run a lot and do yoga" He looked at me funny, like I didn't understand the question, "No, I mean what do you do for fun?" And he wasn't the only person I got this reaction from. 

Its amazing to me that I was considered the weird one since my hobbies didn't start and end with getting drunk. That because my idea of fun was spending time with myself and improving my mind I was the odd one.  It's sad really that that's what has become our social norm. Drunkardness. Partying. Sex. 

Here's to changing that norm! Here's learning! To adventure. To standing for something. For having passion. For kindness and love. Here's for using our time to grow and better ourselves. And for doing what we want because we Fucking Can!

Late Night Journal Entry: Feminine Feminism

    This will be short, but before you read, just remember that I am open to new ideas. So if you disagree with anything I say or have a different opinion, just let me know <3

        Something has been really bothering me lately. Its something that has been up in conversation a lot. Something that I see daily. Something I hear daily. That something is the dislike of children and the repulsion of marriage. 

       It seems like SOOOOO many 16-30 year olds are so against the both of these ideas! Almost to the point where it seems like its a trend to think this way. 

We must live for ourselves and if we do anything other than that we are just a victim of society. But romantic relationships are okay because I mean, we need sex! But as long as there is no legal commitment involved. What if you change? What if you want to go off and experiment? What if your partner get boring or you fall out of love?? And children??? There are so many children already in the world that are suffering, you don't need to bring another one into it. It sucks and is dangerous anyways. Plus there is almost a guarantee that they will be messed up. They are expensive and minimum wage is just too low. Sound about right?

      And I, myself,  used to DESPISE the idea of marriage and children. It scared me. Plus its just society telling me that I should right?? It's just religion shoving this idea of what the role of a woman "should" look like! I used to believe that if a girl got married and had children (especially young) that she was just weak. I mean what a waste of a brain! What a waste of a life! What about a career? What about traveling? What about education!? 

Then something clicked in my head recently.. why can't us as women have both? 

     Another  topic that has been brought up in conversation a lot lately and so naturally on my mind. Again it seems to be almost a trend to call one's self a feminist. (not saying its a bad thing!! I consider myself one!) 

I just want to set the record straight on what I feel and think regarding "feminism". 

Okay so first what does it even mean? According to dictionary.com it's 'The advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.' So the word feminism is a term about the rights of a woman. Perfect! I am all for this! But I feel like people are mixing up having the same rights as men with acting like men. I think women ROCK! I mean, I am one. hahah And I love being one.  I am ALL for careers and being extremely successful.  I fully intend on taking this world by the clothespins and shaking it up fiercely.  

     I am against social sexualization and exploitation of women. It seems to me that this is getting to be more and more of an issue. . I am against the watching of porn for that very reason. IT LEADS TO JUST THAT!!! Girls that are entering adulthood seem to have less and less self-worth. And the men seem to be more and more sex oriented. It so sad to me and scary!! It has affected me in ways I cannot express here in this blog. It destroyed me. It crushed me. But I am for redefining one's self over and over again. I am for equal opportunity and equal pay. I am for the right to abortion and gay marriage.  

    I am also for marriage. I am for families. I am for children and lots of them. I am for love and tenderness. I am for kindness. For hope. For soft hearts and loving words. For snuggling and soft skin. For sad tears and happy ones too. I am for emotion. For smiles and playful teasing. For hugs and kisses. For lace and flowers and hearts. For playing dress up and having fun with makeup. I am for painted nails and long bubble baths and cheesy love songs. For freshly baked cookies when the kids get home from school and for notes on napkins in lunches. I am for love! For self worth and strength. For hard work. For being brave through the hard times and laughing through the good ones.  

Again. I am for Marriage and Children!! 

    What an amazing power us as women have! We have the ability to create! The one thing that men will NEVER be able to have! And yet somehow the notion of not having children is expressing one's feminism? Wouldn't that be the opposite I believe having children is the most feminist thing any woman can do!! I think about my mom and I am amazed. But that wasn't always how I viewed her. I hate admitting this more than anything, but I used to find my mom weak. She has so many talents that it seemed like she just gave up on! Art, music, dance. She has such a creative mind and it just seemed like she didn't care! She dropped out of college to support my dad. It seemed so unfair! I was so confused on why she would do that. Then I realized something.

       What's more creative than to create life? 

And when it comes to the talents that my mom has, I don't know how I didn't see this before, but she has touched more lives being a wife and mother than she would have EVER if she would have pursued a career in one specific field. Sing us kids to sleep. All the arts and crafts growing up. Dancing around like a fool. Every person that she meets she leaves them stronger and happier. And education? My mom is (with out any personal bias) the most intelligent woman I have ever met. 

I guess what I mean by all of this is that nothing in this life is as fulfilling or as beautiful than loving someone purely and with no expectation. To serve others and to live a life full of kindness. Marriage and children can provide this.

I am for Women.

I am for Feminism.

I am for Feminine Feminism.  

  

Late Night Journal Entry: Thoughts on Love and Other Things

I cried.

The last time I remember crying this hard I was sixteen. Sixteen and alone, huddled in the fetal position in the corner on the floor. In that spare room next door to the most horrible woman I have ever known. I couldn't breath, couldn't speak. I had just enough energy to mouth words through the flow o tears to a deaf heaven. I couldn't see. My body shaking, convulsing, shivering.
Every once in a while a high pitch sound would escape my salty, wet lips. Wiping the snot from my nose so I have a chance to gasp for a breath.

I cried.

Whatever has been covering that gaping hole in my chest is finally clearing. That dark, empty hole where my heart once resided. 19 years of hiding, covering, ignoring. 19 years of lies, of hurt, of never being wanted. Of abandonment, of waking up and finding everyone that I have ever cared about was gone. Of being beaten and bruised. Of being forced to sleep outside in the snow. Of being called names over and over again. "You'll end up being a cheap hooker on the streets crawling from bed to bed looking for love that wont come...that's not a threat...that's a promise" Of being lied to. Of being feared. Of wanting to die and all the attempts to make that happen. Of hating myself. Of being ignored by my dad. Of being hated.

That gaping hole of cheating and being cheated on. Of hateful words and crying myself to sleep most nights. Of running away to see if I would be found. Of screaming to see if anyone would stick around, put their arms around me and say "I love you and I'm never leaving". Of not eating in hopes someone would see me, For failing in fear of failure. For pushing away in fear of being pushed away.

I cried.

A thousand tears from some lake of pain, some reservoir of sorrow, from some ocean of despair.

I cried.


Out of loneliness. Complete and utter loneliness. My soul screaming out in pain.
"SOME ONE LOVE ME, FOR I CANNOT LOVE MYSELF!"
Back to that fetal position. This time in my own bed.

I cried.

I could feel the rush of a thousand heartbreaks. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I keep relationships?
"Sure, you could get any guy you wanted, but could you keep them?"
Never has a question hit so close to home. Never has truth bitch slapped me so hard. It's true.
I'm beaten, battered and bruised. I've been used and then used again. Chewed up and spat out.
I'm sick. Wounded. Diseased. In desperate need of healing.
BUT HOW!? HOW DO I DO IT!? How do you heal from something that has plauged you for your whole life? That has become engrained in your entire being? That has twisted its why into your veins and slithered its way into your mind; your heart.

Why doesn't he want me? Why is it the same pattern, same routine? I love him with every ounce of love that I understand. And yet I'm not good enough. My love not worth it. I want the best for him I WANT him to succeed. And yet, I'm too much.
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you"
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."

I don't want you.
These words rang so clear in my ears. Over and over again he would say it.
This time it hurt worse. This time it was from someone, truly the only human that I have ever wanted so fully.
So I sought other venues. I sought others to fill that hurt of not being wanted...again.
Only to come crawling back and he finding out. Labeling me forever as
                         A CHEATER.
Such a horrible and disgusting word. Such a horrible and disgusting thing to be; to have done.
Never in my entire life have I ever thought that I would be capable of cheating. But things happen. Feelings change. Hurtful, even hateful words are said. Hurtful, even hateful acts are done. I felt justified. "It's my right!! I deserve this." or rather " he doesn't deserve me".

How many times I have played back those nights over and over in my head...wishing I could some how erase them from history...from memory.

Why did I do it? I love him.
Love. Selflessness.
How little I understood of love.
I was completely selfISH. He hurt my feelings.  He didn't think of my feelings before he said that, before he did that.  Feelings, feelings, feelings.

What a terrible way to live life. Based off feelings. Feelings change from moment to moment. I'm hungry = changed feelings. I'm tired = changed feelings. I'm PMSing. I'm sick. I'm happy. I'm anxious. I'm scared, cold, worried, excited, bored, sad, lonely. They change. I thought love was a feeling. No. It's a deep rooted choice to put the other persons needs, wants, desires, passions, hopes and dreams before (not above) your own. If it is something other than this than it is only a whim, a thought, a beautiful idea..but subject to change. 

However...'you cannot love someone without first loving yourself.'

If you want a good cake,
The ingredients must be good and ready.
For you cannot have a good cake
With rotten or unripened ingredients.

I need to work on myself before I ever love again. Because how can I give it, if I don't first possess it for myself??

It's late..and I need sleep.
sorry for the rant.

Hello October!

      First!  Here's a band that I'm recently crushing on. The Head and The Heart = The Ghost

:)

     So its my favorite time of year! Fall! Time for hoodies, bonfires, tea and the best holidays (In my opinion (: ) This year has been unusually hot though and its made me so sad! Its been over 100 degrees almost everyday for the past week or two. But even though its been disappointing weather, amazing things have been happening!

      1. I'm get to go 'home' this weekend to Utah!! And I can't even tell you how excited I am to do so. I have missed it so much it hurts. The weather, the trees, the people, the city, HOW GREEN IT IS! Its so brown here and it makes me depressed! hah I'm leaving tomorrow and coming back monday. Coffee Pod and Mountain West Burrito are definite destinations on my 'to do' list while there! Also making music with my friends is another thing I am SOO excited to do :)

     2. I finally, FINALLY got my driver permit! I know..I'm almost 20 and I didn't have my permit yet??? Pathetic. But to be fair, in Utah it doesn't matter how old you are, if you've never had a drivers license you have to take drivers ed. Which is about 400 dollars! Yeah. No could do. So I just staid with public transportation and luckily Utah has a really good transit system so it all worked out :) BUT that is now in the past! Watch out California! I'm a legally permitted driver with a licensed California driver over the age 18! :)

     3. I GOT A JOB! :D It happened today and I start on Tuesday! At Philies Best, which is funny because I'm vegan, but who cares! It's a job, and I'm happy. It's funny/cool how it happened though, so yesterday I walked in due to the 'Help Wanted' sign in their window, and asked for a manager, handed him my resume, and told him I wanted a job. He looked over it and noticed that all my work experience was in Utah, and commented that he had locations in Salt Lake and that he was going to be there this weekend! What a coincidence right?? He told me to come back today at 11am for an interview.
     So I went, and man alive! It was the strangest interview I think I've ever had. Ever. And to be fair he warned me that it would be. haha SO I went with him on a catering run while he asked me questions about my resume and told me about himself. HOLY COW! He is such an interesting man! Bought his first business at age 19 and has been an investor ever since. He's probably in his late 40's from Philadelphia. But the cool thing is that he wants to use me, after I'm all trained of course, on his marketing team! Which is what I want to do anyways! I'm really excited, PLUS, he made me a deal that if I work really hard for him and prove that I'm a wonderful worker, he'll make sure that I have a job if and when I move back to Salt Lake City :)
     
      4. I got my RCC number so I can start registering for classes! And I know that its just a community college, I'm really excited and proud of myself for making the step to better myself through schooling. I'm going to take Commercial Music and Marketing classes which are at the Norco building so its really close! :)

I'm a happy camper. I'm loving what's going on my life. I'm growing up, making music learning to love myself, learning self discipline. It's hard at times, but so worth it :) <3