Late Night Journal Entry: Happiness...?

Today has been the best day I've had in months.

It was so simple.

Cory and I rode the Front Runner down to Provo, ate lunch, rode it back to SLC and then walked around City Creek. I exchanged my glasses at Lens Crafters and then we came home.

Thats it :)

I felt more alive than I have felt in months. I felt as if I could be myself for a change. I was able to talk openly about what ever was on my mind. I was able to say yes and no with confidence. That no one was judging me or looking down on me for wanting or not wanting certain things in my life, including myself. That I didn't have to pretend or put on a show! That I was okay.

Last night I came to a decision about myself. I was able to talke to my grandparents yesterday for about and hour and a half...and they were able to put a lot of things in perspective for me..They gave me a very large paradigm shift.
And after much self reflection, I realized that I needed to be more kind to those that are the closest to me.
I have a really, really bad habit of impatience. And with that anxiety, depression and anger which leads me to do and say some pretty hurtful things.

I have come to realize that these habits are very real and I have allowed them to become apart of me. But just as I have allowed them in, I can CHOOSE to let them go.

I do not want them plaguing my life anymore. However I don't view the way to go about it is by saying "I need to stop" or "I need to cut these things out". Rather, I feel if I can start practicing kindness, patience, forgiveness and love...The hurt, pain, anger and hatred will naturally find an exit out of my life.

And I feel the BEST way to start is to find happiness.
I need to be happy!!
When you're happy it's SO much easier to be kind and loving and understanding.

SO! I have decided today, February 26th 2013 is my DAY ONE of My Journey to Happiness.

I decided that I am going to start doing WHAT EVER it takes to find happiness. I am so sick of hating myself...of crying myself to sleep..of being afraid!! The fear in my life has become crippling. I am so sick of not having friends because I am so afraid of being rejected and abandoned...
I am 20 years old..... and I deserve to start enjoying my life. I deserve to wake up with a smile on my face and to go to bed at night content with who I am and what I am doing!

I don't really know exactly what I'm going to do, but I know I need a plan.

I am someone that needs structure. I thrive off it. I need a plan. I'm a list maker.

GET ORGANIZED
I recently moved in with my boyfriend, Cory, and space is veeeerrrrrrry limited...to say the least. But I know that getting organized and settled will put me in a better position to make this journey possible.

MAKE A HAPPINESS WALL/JOURNAL
I need to start figuring out what exactly makes me happy. What makes me feel satisfied. What makes me feel most pretty,  makes me laugh, makes me come alive. I need pictures and activities that I can look at and do everyday for myself. And on top of that I feel as though I need to record and keep track of my progress and my set backs.

I feel for the first time in my life I have to ability to become exactly who I want to be... I for the first time can define who Jessica Hildebrandt truly is. I have finally realized that I have people that love me and want to see me succeed. I have no more excuses left. I can not change the cards I have been dealt in life..but I can control what I do with them. I can not allow my past and hurt to keep me trapped.... I have to live for myself.

I want happiness...I want to love... to forgive....to move on.

I want freedom.