Late Night Journal Entry: Feminine Feminism

    This will be short, but before you read, just remember that I am open to new ideas. So if you disagree with anything I say or have a different opinion, just let me know <3

        Something has been really bothering me lately. Its something that has been up in conversation a lot. Something that I see daily. Something I hear daily. That something is the dislike of children and the repulsion of marriage. 

       It seems like SOOOOO many 16-30 year olds are so against the both of these ideas! Almost to the point where it seems like its a trend to think this way. 

We must live for ourselves and if we do anything other than that we are just a victim of society. But romantic relationships are okay because I mean, we need sex! But as long as there is no legal commitment involved. What if you change? What if you want to go off and experiment? What if your partner get boring or you fall out of love?? And children??? There are so many children already in the world that are suffering, you don't need to bring another one into it. It sucks and is dangerous anyways. Plus there is almost a guarantee that they will be messed up. They are expensive and minimum wage is just too low. Sound about right?

      And I, myself,  used to DESPISE the idea of marriage and children. It scared me. Plus its just society telling me that I should right?? It's just religion shoving this idea of what the role of a woman "should" look like! I used to believe that if a girl got married and had children (especially young) that she was just weak. I mean what a waste of a brain! What a waste of a life! What about a career? What about traveling? What about education!? 

Then something clicked in my head recently.. why can't us as women have both? 

     Another  topic that has been brought up in conversation a lot lately and so naturally on my mind. Again it seems to be almost a trend to call one's self a feminist. (not saying its a bad thing!! I consider myself one!) 

I just want to set the record straight on what I feel and think regarding "feminism". 

Okay so first what does it even mean? According to dictionary.com it's 'The advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.' So the word feminism is a term about the rights of a woman. Perfect! I am all for this! But I feel like people are mixing up having the same rights as men with acting like men. I think women ROCK! I mean, I am one. hahah And I love being one.  I am ALL for careers and being extremely successful.  I fully intend on taking this world by the clothespins and shaking it up fiercely.  

     I am against social sexualization and exploitation of women. It seems to me that this is getting to be more and more of an issue. . I am against the watching of porn for that very reason. IT LEADS TO JUST THAT!!! Girls that are entering adulthood seem to have less and less self-worth. And the men seem to be more and more sex oriented. It so sad to me and scary!! It has affected me in ways I cannot express here in this blog. It destroyed me. It crushed me. But I am for redefining one's self over and over again. I am for equal opportunity and equal pay. I am for the right to abortion and gay marriage.  

    I am also for marriage. I am for families. I am for children and lots of them. I am for love and tenderness. I am for kindness. For hope. For soft hearts and loving words. For snuggling and soft skin. For sad tears and happy ones too. I am for emotion. For smiles and playful teasing. For hugs and kisses. For lace and flowers and hearts. For playing dress up and having fun with makeup. I am for painted nails and long bubble baths and cheesy love songs. For freshly baked cookies when the kids get home from school and for notes on napkins in lunches. I am for love! For self worth and strength. For hard work. For being brave through the hard times and laughing through the good ones.  

Again. I am for Marriage and Children!! 

    What an amazing power us as women have! We have the ability to create! The one thing that men will NEVER be able to have! And yet somehow the notion of not having children is expressing one's feminism? Wouldn't that be the opposite I believe having children is the most feminist thing any woman can do!! I think about my mom and I am amazed. But that wasn't always how I viewed her. I hate admitting this more than anything, but I used to find my mom weak. She has so many talents that it seemed like she just gave up on! Art, music, dance. She has such a creative mind and it just seemed like she didn't care! She dropped out of college to support my dad. It seemed so unfair! I was so confused on why she would do that. Then I realized something.

       What's more creative than to create life? 

And when it comes to the talents that my mom has, I don't know how I didn't see this before, but she has touched more lives being a wife and mother than she would have EVER if she would have pursued a career in one specific field. Sing us kids to sleep. All the arts and crafts growing up. Dancing around like a fool. Every person that she meets she leaves them stronger and happier. And education? My mom is (with out any personal bias) the most intelligent woman I have ever met. 

I guess what I mean by all of this is that nothing in this life is as fulfilling or as beautiful than loving someone purely and with no expectation. To serve others and to live a life full of kindness. Marriage and children can provide this.

I am for Women.

I am for Feminism.

I am for Feminine Feminism.  

  

Late Night Journal Entry: Thoughts on Love and Other Things

I cried.

The last time I remember crying this hard I was sixteen. Sixteen and alone, huddled in the fetal position in the corner on the floor. In that spare room next door to the most horrible woman I have ever known. I couldn't breath, couldn't speak. I had just enough energy to mouth words through the flow o tears to a deaf heaven. I couldn't see. My body shaking, convulsing, shivering.
Every once in a while a high pitch sound would escape my salty, wet lips. Wiping the snot from my nose so I have a chance to gasp for a breath.

I cried.

Whatever has been covering that gaping hole in my chest is finally clearing. That dark, empty hole where my heart once resided. 19 years of hiding, covering, ignoring. 19 years of lies, of hurt, of never being wanted. Of abandonment, of waking up and finding everyone that I have ever cared about was gone. Of being beaten and bruised. Of being forced to sleep outside in the snow. Of being called names over and over again. "You'll end up being a cheap hooker on the streets crawling from bed to bed looking for love that wont come...that's not a threat...that's a promise" Of being lied to. Of being feared. Of wanting to die and all the attempts to make that happen. Of hating myself. Of being ignored by my dad. Of being hated.

That gaping hole of cheating and being cheated on. Of hateful words and crying myself to sleep most nights. Of running away to see if I would be found. Of screaming to see if anyone would stick around, put their arms around me and say "I love you and I'm never leaving". Of not eating in hopes someone would see me, For failing in fear of failure. For pushing away in fear of being pushed away.

I cried.

A thousand tears from some lake of pain, some reservoir of sorrow, from some ocean of despair.

I cried.


Out of loneliness. Complete and utter loneliness. My soul screaming out in pain.
"SOME ONE LOVE ME, FOR I CANNOT LOVE MYSELF!"
Back to that fetal position. This time in my own bed.

I cried.

I could feel the rush of a thousand heartbreaks. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I keep relationships?
"Sure, you could get any guy you wanted, but could you keep them?"
Never has a question hit so close to home. Never has truth bitch slapped me so hard. It's true.
I'm beaten, battered and bruised. I've been used and then used again. Chewed up and spat out.
I'm sick. Wounded. Diseased. In desperate need of healing.
BUT HOW!? HOW DO I DO IT!? How do you heal from something that has plauged you for your whole life? That has become engrained in your entire being? That has twisted its why into your veins and slithered its way into your mind; your heart.

Why doesn't he want me? Why is it the same pattern, same routine? I love him with every ounce of love that I understand. And yet I'm not good enough. My love not worth it. I want the best for him I WANT him to succeed. And yet, I'm too much.
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you"
"I don't want you."
"I don't want you."

I don't want you.
These words rang so clear in my ears. Over and over again he would say it.
This time it hurt worse. This time it was from someone, truly the only human that I have ever wanted so fully.
So I sought other venues. I sought others to fill that hurt of not being wanted...again.
Only to come crawling back and he finding out. Labeling me forever as
                         A CHEATER.
Such a horrible and disgusting word. Such a horrible and disgusting thing to be; to have done.
Never in my entire life have I ever thought that I would be capable of cheating. But things happen. Feelings change. Hurtful, even hateful words are said. Hurtful, even hateful acts are done. I felt justified. "It's my right!! I deserve this." or rather " he doesn't deserve me".

How many times I have played back those nights over and over in my head...wishing I could some how erase them from history...from memory.

Why did I do it? I love him.
Love. Selflessness.
How little I understood of love.
I was completely selfISH. He hurt my feelings.  He didn't think of my feelings before he said that, before he did that.  Feelings, feelings, feelings.

What a terrible way to live life. Based off feelings. Feelings change from moment to moment. I'm hungry = changed feelings. I'm tired = changed feelings. I'm PMSing. I'm sick. I'm happy. I'm anxious. I'm scared, cold, worried, excited, bored, sad, lonely. They change. I thought love was a feeling. No. It's a deep rooted choice to put the other persons needs, wants, desires, passions, hopes and dreams before (not above) your own. If it is something other than this than it is only a whim, a thought, a beautiful idea..but subject to change. 

However...'you cannot love someone without first loving yourself.'

If you want a good cake,
The ingredients must be good and ready.
For you cannot have a good cake
With rotten or unripened ingredients.

I need to work on myself before I ever love again. Because how can I give it, if I don't first possess it for myself??

It's late..and I need sleep.
sorry for the rant.

Hello October!

      First!  Here's a band that I'm recently crushing on. The Head and The Heart = The Ghost

:)

     So its my favorite time of year! Fall! Time for hoodies, bonfires, tea and the best holidays (In my opinion (: ) This year has been unusually hot though and its made me so sad! Its been over 100 degrees almost everyday for the past week or two. But even though its been disappointing weather, amazing things have been happening!

      1. I'm get to go 'home' this weekend to Utah!! And I can't even tell you how excited I am to do so. I have missed it so much it hurts. The weather, the trees, the people, the city, HOW GREEN IT IS! Its so brown here and it makes me depressed! hah I'm leaving tomorrow and coming back monday. Coffee Pod and Mountain West Burrito are definite destinations on my 'to do' list while there! Also making music with my friends is another thing I am SOO excited to do :)

     2. I finally, FINALLY got my driver permit! I know..I'm almost 20 and I didn't have my permit yet??? Pathetic. But to be fair, in Utah it doesn't matter how old you are, if you've never had a drivers license you have to take drivers ed. Which is about 400 dollars! Yeah. No could do. So I just staid with public transportation and luckily Utah has a really good transit system so it all worked out :) BUT that is now in the past! Watch out California! I'm a legally permitted driver with a licensed California driver over the age 18! :)

     3. I GOT A JOB! :D It happened today and I start on Tuesday! At Philies Best, which is funny because I'm vegan, but who cares! It's a job, and I'm happy. It's funny/cool how it happened though, so yesterday I walked in due to the 'Help Wanted' sign in their window, and asked for a manager, handed him my resume, and told him I wanted a job. He looked over it and noticed that all my work experience was in Utah, and commented that he had locations in Salt Lake and that he was going to be there this weekend! What a coincidence right?? He told me to come back today at 11am for an interview.
     So I went, and man alive! It was the strangest interview I think I've ever had. Ever. And to be fair he warned me that it would be. haha SO I went with him on a catering run while he asked me questions about my resume and told me about himself. HOLY COW! He is such an interesting man! Bought his first business at age 19 and has been an investor ever since. He's probably in his late 40's from Philadelphia. But the cool thing is that he wants to use me, after I'm all trained of course, on his marketing team! Which is what I want to do anyways! I'm really excited, PLUS, he made me a deal that if I work really hard for him and prove that I'm a wonderful worker, he'll make sure that I have a job if and when I move back to Salt Lake City :)
     
      4. I got my RCC number so I can start registering for classes! And I know that its just a community college, I'm really excited and proud of myself for making the step to better myself through schooling. I'm going to take Commercial Music and Marketing classes which are at the Norco building so its really close! :)

I'm a happy camper. I'm loving what's going on my life. I'm growing up, making music learning to love myself, learning self discipline. It's hard at times, but so worth it :) <3

Best Vegan Chili

Okay so even though it was over 100 degrees today (I know! Welcome to Southern California in October), I have been craving some good chili for weeks! And this recipe looked so healthy and hearty I couldn't resist. SO. This is a recipe that Dr. Oz posted and I don't normally like nor support anything from Dr Oz, but this was just amazing! It was called Fat-Melting Chili, do to the combination of veggies and the spices. And its Vegan!! Double brownie points. Definitely a spicy one, but so good! I made a few adjustments that I'll put in brackets. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did! :)

Fat Melting Chili –Vegan

YIELDS ABOUT 14 CUPS

INGREDIENTS:

3 Tbsp. vegetable oil

VEGGIES:


• 2½ cups diced red onions

• 1 cup diced carrots
• 
2 bell peppers diced

• 1 medium sweet potato, diced

• 2 cups diced mushrooms
• 1 (10 oz) bag frozen corn

FLAVORS:

• 
3 Tbsp. ground cumin (I only used around 1 1/2 Tbsp.)
• 
½ tsp. crushed red pepper flakes

• 2 Tbsp. chili powder
 (I used 1 heaping Tbsp)
• 4 Tbsp. chopped garlic (I only used 2 Tbsp.)
• 
2 Tbsp. chopped jalapeños (I used a full jalapeño) 
• 2 Tbsp. dried oregano

• 1 tsp. ground cinnamon (I doubled this)

CANNED GOODS:


• 3 (14.5 oz) cans diced fire roasted tomatoes

• 1 (15 oz) can garbanzo beans (I drained and rinsed all of the beans)
• 
1 (15 oz) can red kidney beans

• 1 (15 oz) black beans

• 1 (15 oz) can Adzuki beans
• *
2 Tbsp. chopped chipotle in adobo sauce
• *
3 Tbsp. tomato paste (I completely forgot to put this in)

OPTIONAL:


1 to 2 cups vegetable  broth or vegetable juice (You can also just use water.)


TOPPING SUGGESTIONS:
sliced or diced avocado, vegan sour cream, vegan shredded cheese, tortilla chips/strips, chopped scallions/green onions/cilantro, lime juice

 Just a thought – you could use the leftover tomato paste, chipotle and jalapeño as part of a marinade.

No cooking process photos this time. It’s pretty basic stuff…

STEP 1
In a large, heavy-bottom pot, warm the oil and sauté the onions, carrots, peppers, sweet potatoes and mushrooms, stirring occasionally until vegetables start to soften, about 10 minutes.

STEP 2
Stir in the cumin, crushed red pepper flakes, chili powder, garlic and jalapeño and cook a few more minutes until fragrant.

STEP 3
Add the tomatoes, beans, oregano, chipotle in adobo, tomato paste and cinnamon. At this point, you can add a little vegetable broth, vegetable juice or water if you like your chili a bit thinner. (I added about 2 cups of vegetable broth because it was REALLY thick.)

STEP 4
Cover and simmer for 15 minutes, stir in the corn; cook 5 more minutes, until corn is heated through. Serve with your favorite toppings.