So. It's Sunday again. Probably my favorite day of the week because I get three hours all to my self! I feel like I can be most creative in complete solitude. But dread the morning because every week I get the same question, "Are you going to church?" and every week I have to watch the disappointment in my mom's eyes as I say no. I was raised in a very conservative, very politically active, VERY mormon household. And in some regards I am very thankful for that upbringing. In some ways it kept me innocent longer and taught me the importance of family, self discipline and control. I never saw my parents argue, language was very articulate and never vulgar, we were't allowed to watch R rated movies and most PG-13 movies, dating was very strict and only after my dad interviewed the boy. Church was every sunday no questions asked and we couldn't go anywhere with out letting our parents know our exact where a bouts, who we were with and what exactly we were doing, and then they had to discuss it for what seemed as a 16 year old, 29374982374 hours before they gave us the go a head. I know that my parents has always had us kids best interests at heart and loved us so much. However I feel like because of this up bringing it also had a very negative affect on me. I have a very cynical very of religion as a whole but specifically the Mormon religion. So here are my opinions on religion and mormons.
1. I feel like so many people miss the point of 'religion' they get so caught up in the rituals and the self righteousness that they forget why they believed in the first place. There are few things in the world that I dislike more than self righteousness. Everyone here on this Earth is fighting a battle. A very real battle, and as humans its seems that we should KNOW that its so hard! Why do people feel so compelled to put themselves above others?? I don't understand. So as for me? I will subscribe myself to the philosophy or 'religion' of loving others.
2.The such hatred against gays. Okay. SO. This one is a biggie for me. I was in a California high school durning the Prop 8 scandal and was also apart of the seminary program. And quite a few times as 'lessons' we were taken to street corners and told to hold up signs in support of Prop 8. I lost friends over this, I was hated, threatened and made fun of. I was so unable to see with eyes of love, just through the foggy lenses of judgment. And yes, I understand that the prop was actually protecting the rights of the church and keeping in the check the separation of church and state, however that was NEVER the reason that we as teenagers were given. It was always protecting the "sanctity" of marriage or the "definition" of marriage. I was told over and over that homosexuality was perverted, overly sexual, disgusting, EVIL, against God, prideful and all growing up I was surrounded by brothers and a father that would say very negative things about gay people and even told that having gay fiends was not okay. I wasn't allowed to watch TV or a movie if they even mentioned gays. My dad would shake his head in utter disgust at the sight of them, like "how dare they share the same space as us good christians." Not only is this view hateful and destructive for, but as a child that had homosexual tenancies myself, it made me turn on myself and started me on a journey of self deception and self hatred. If being gay was 'bad', and I was gay...that would make me 'bad'. It took me YEARS to understand who I was and only now am I beginning to accept myself. And how easily could have this been avoided?? One simple answer. Love. Living a life of hatred destroys all. AND HOW WRONG CAN SOMEONE BE???? I feel like people are focusing on the wrong thing!! Yes, I feel like homosexuality CAN be perverted, BUT SO CAN HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONS! Religious people speak of protecting the sanctity of marriage when divorce rates are almost 60%! And that's STRICTLY heterosexual! How much rape and molestation goes on between opposite sexes?? Don't focus on the orientation. Are they hurting anybody? Are they being civilized in public? Are they loving and kind and courteous??? That's what matters! It also goes back to my original point of loving and not judging. One of the LDS apostles, Elder Uchtdorf said it best, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you." Hate never solved anything and never changed anyone opinion. Kill people with kindness. Shower everyone in love. Isn't that was Christ was about?? Love??? So why does that just "not count" when it comes to gays?? And I know that a lot of mormons will say, "I don't hate gays, I just disagree with their actions." But then they continue to use the word "gay' and "fagot" in very disrespectful and negative contexts and refuse to keep gays in their company..... Love people, just love them.
3. Getting baptized and becoming "accountable" for your sins. This one destroyed me as a child. And maybe it was because I over think everything, I don't know, all I know is that it made my childhood a living Hell. So the LDS church believes that at age eight we are knowledgeable enough to make the decision to join a church and to become accountable for our sins. So this is the age we are baptized. And so like every good mormon kid, I did as I was supposed to and was baptized. Thats when everything went down hill. As previously mentioned, I'm gay, or rather Bi, and I've known this fact since I was about 8 or 9. 8 or 9. Past the age of accountability. All of a sudden I was a sinner. And sinners can't go to heaven, sooooo I must be going to Hell. And this thought TORMENTED me to all ends. I hated myself and refused to look inward. So I held onto the poison. I gripped so hard and refused to let go and it began to eat me. It slowly drained me from the inside out. Began to fill my heart with blackness. Every "bad" thing I did all of a sudden was something that pushed me farther down into Hell. In short, I became a very angry child. Again, I feel like this could have been avoided if we focus on love rather than hate. The good in the world rather than all that makes things gray.
I think I've exhausted the subject tonight...I guess what I mean by this rant is just Love. Love people like crazy and don't think twice about it. Be grateful for what you have and look for ways to serve those that are less fortunate. I can't say it enough that love can heal all wounds, free all those in emotional turmoil and turn the cloudiest day into a ray of sunshine.
Love, like your life depends on it.
